Pre-story build-up: I want to play this one game “Terraria”, I’ve got it fixed in my mind like an obsession. I’ve been riding a teasing rollercoaster for what feels like days, probably because it’s been several days. I got an hour-long taste of it this last Sunday, and now I’m eager to try out more. Issue is, capable system. The computers at work could probably run it, except they’re all locked down. Admin needed for this and that– and at this point, I really don’t plan to defy my employers trust, it’s just not a good move. So my alternative? Laptop.

Can it run it? Theoretically, yes. But it took me about 2 hours of looking through the forums to determine that. My video card is capable of it.

Can Ubuntu run it? Well, I don’t have any immediate testimonies say it’ll run as my setup is concerned. People have played it in virtualbox, and people have played it on Ubuntu machines, but if 8 hours of hardware debugging with both Virtualbox and Ubuntu’s Wine didn’t leave me with anything substantial… well then I’m going to have to take an alternate route: Dual-boot.

I wasn’t going to re-partition my harddrive’s freespace until I was guaranteed the survival of my data. Thus, the backup. I was excited to get to work where my boss had a spare HD for me to store my files, but first things first– I was gonna create a big-old compression file to make the transfer an easy-peasy drag-n-drop. Right? …right?

I suppose it almost worked; I think. After having the compression running for 5 hours, my hard drive space gets exceedingly low, and I start trimming the fat to make way for this compression file. Woe is me, I didn’t specific the root directory, so eventually I ended up reaching my own massive file again. I palindrome I. Well I ended up gagging on the tail end of it and maxed out my space. Not a single byte to spare. So, here I thought: “Well, I’ll just open up the extracted file, like a zip file, and pluck out the .iso’s or video’s I don’t mind losing if things go south. They shouldn’t have been in there to begin with, compression don’t help much with pre-compressed files.

I shall note, that my compression format was .tgz … and doesn’t come with a central indexing system. You can’t just go in and navigate without loading the whole document. Which simply wasn’t feasible at 44GB, of course I learn this fact, after the fact… and end up having to restart my computer. After which my computer refuses to login, blathering something about gnome-power-manager failed to load… and I should contact my system admin. *gulp*? — I attempted the basic means to repair the package, assuming it was what had failed. An hour or so later, I find that having a maxed harddrive can also cause the problem. Doy.

So I navigate via Command line to where the file was… and see that it isn’t there anymore?! My command line knowledge base isn’t very strong, so after pulling out whatever commands I could use to locate the massive file, all were for naught. The next two hours were spent attempting to figure out how to mount the external and find this invisible mass… which, after I had a live CD in, and had some browsing… found the file buried in a hidden folder, in the directory where I left it. Oy vey. After simply eliminating the file, I could then work at porting over a few of the files I simply could not be without. Documents, pictures, etc. Now at 10:30pm, I’m finally resizing my current partition, and creating another for XP to run on.

Then, after all of the hours of effort, will I be able to install .NET 4.0 and XNA, and hope and pray that Terraria will run, and run at a speed which I will not cry. Cause you know how you’d feel if a loved one were to die? You’d grieve, and come to accept it? How much worse that they survive, but live as a vegetable or in tremendous pain the rest of their life? Wouldn’t you simply want to closure to say goodbye? — Yes I’d like it if the game could run, but only if it’s acceptably fast.

That is my story.

I’ve been meaning to write about my first month here, and the relief that it’s brought, but woe, it’s already a month away.

Things have been on the up-and-up, Christmas here was quiet, but nice. I don’t fully know what internal mechanisms keep my heart at an arms length, but I’ve become noticeably more scrooge-like in the past few years. I read somewhere: “Gifts are never free, because the receiver is then bound to the giver. Social obligation states it is rude to refuse a gift, and it is even ruder still to not reciprocate with a gift in return.” The chains of social responsibility with gift giving, wears me down. I’m a lousy gift-giver, I troll the stores for hours, and in the heat of the shopping season, my mind blanks any decent gift ideas. My ability to follow-through with craft-requirement gifts, have never gotten past the “supply-buying-stage”, I’m really not very good at it, nor do I appreciate a season of obligations. People who feel “dragged” to share Christmas with a family they’re uncomfortable around, and feel unable to connect with. I’m stereotyping, because I know it isn’t every family… I’ve had my fair share of simply magical Christmas-moments, but surely most people have one side of their family they rather dread attending, for one reason or another.

Holidays and weekends, I have difficulty understanding either. Maybe it’s just my cynicism that had difficulty seeing past the over-commercialized, market-think-tank’d, crowning capitalistic, calendar events. Any Holiday, in a global perspective, is just another day. Every weekend, is just another pair of days, just like any other. Perhaps it’s just my employment, being able to schedule my own hours, and work as little as I please… that’s caused this overly fluid view of any given week. Whether it’s Tuesday or Saturday, it doesn’t affect my pace or performance.

Life on the mountain has been serene, transitioning from a busy household of ten, to a quiet household of three or four… it’s giving my head some breathing room. Every day isn’t a panic, I’ve been given the pleasure of doing sudoku puzzles, while watching movies with Sam. An exercise that I can feel strengthening my “logic” faculties for the strenuous mental task of programming. I’m currently working on a web development project, earning $30-35/hr weaving a tapestry of functions, variables, and arrays; layered by conditional, looping, and user-input statements. Anticipating what a user my need to do, and assembling functions to meet the needs of my project. It’s been through the PHP, scripting language, used exclusively for web applications. The curious thing is, Jeremy has been aiming to train me in PHP for the past 4 years, On and off, give or take. I would only be able to work for little bits at a time before I couldn’t focus on script any more, the logic became too complex, and my brain buckled. I couldn’t do anything but monotonous work. I’ve been able to sit and code for hours in a sitting now.

I knew I had to move out, but I was trapped. Trapped by projected responsibilities, and guilt of abandoning a vital family role. I was broke, I couldn’t find additional work, and didn’t know if the freedom getting my own place would outweigh the costs of living. I didn’t know if my procrastination habits would burn me to the ground, if I could find additional work, if I could pay the bills… and was terrified to try.

I wanted to visit Sam for Christmas, but the round trip ticket was alot for me to part with. The cheapest, shortest ticket arrangement I could find, was three weeks in December… and this was scheduling it toward the end of October. Things started to piece together though, there was a Job fair, first weekend in November, there was a neighbor who had a project for me to possibly do (the project mentioned above) … which could become a full-time job, as well as Mrs. Hainline and Sam were moving to a different house, and needed help carrying a bajillion boxes all around. Living arrangements and networking of all sorts, championed by Mrs. Hainline, a former professional marketing director, she knows a thing or two about connections and promotion. A valuable resource, to be sure.

Personal finances has been stressful, and I’ve whittled down my small supply, while getting hired seems to takes forever. Scrap projects here and there for DynamiteInc has floated a bit of extra cash, but I still owe a few folks back in Michigan, I need a car, and to save up so I can move down the mountain and get the rest of my schooling figured out.

All in due time, I suppose. I’m learning alot, on my own… lets not forget, these are just the mental struggles I’ve battled. Emotional ups-and-downs are an entirely different plane.

–Michael

This is another season of life; one where I hope to make myself more consistent with everyday tasks; one where Sammey is now in Cali, and although we still talk every day.

Here’s the thing though, she’s three hours behind me. I wake up at 9am, she’s still sleeping at 6am. This becomes important for me, because all the while she was here, with me, a majority of my life priorities, I went ahead and put on hiatus. Perhaps it wasn’t my wisest decision, but it was for Sam. It was for the love of my life, that I would suspend a few months of intensive work, a few months of college-like socializing, so I could revile in every moment we had before she left. Trouble was, her “few months” just kept going. Rather than leaving in Sept ’09, it was pushed back to Dec ’09… and then spring ’10, Finally it became June ’10… but since she wasn’t starting school for a year, we worked things out so she could stay in Michigan for a few more months. Her flight finally took her Sept 8th 2010.

Today’s Monday, Sept 13th and I’m finally starting to get my lists in order, starting to wrap my head around my goals, my objectives; which is simply: earn $6000 and find work in Cali before I move out. Whether it’s at the base of Sammey’s parents’ mountain, or in San Francisco where she’ll be going to school in the relatively near future… we’ve yet to decide.

As part of my new daily rituals, on top of my daily scripture reading, I’ll be “commenting” on the scripture of the day. I’ll also be writing for 15-20 minutes, get my thoughts out on this beautiful white-space, and see if I can’t sort my heart, mind, and soul out, eh?

In today’s reading I couldn’t help but feel with Babylon being dissed, that the United States is going in a similar direction. It seemed to echo a similar tone in my gut (which could be entirely wrong, I pray it to be so). Although it feels like that end-times vibe that seems to permeate the very air we breathe now. As if the entire host of heaven is waiting for the end to come. I have my own theories as to when the end will actually come about, but I guarantee you it’s coming faster than we expect.

The other portion of scripture reflected on Paul’s final words to the Corinthians: ⁵ Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith. Was the verse that echoed for me this morning. By echoed, I mean, as I was reading, my eyes and heart did a little double-take, and I had to read it over and over to try and grasp more of it.

On top of writing more, I plan to read and comment on other WordPress entries.

I’m reaching the end of my twenty minutes, I have alot more day to go out and conquer.

You’ll hear from me again, soon

–Michael

Now I turn my focus toward moving, the possibility of possibly moving to California with Samantha’s family. The facts:

-By early-early June, Mrs. Hainline (Sammey’s Mom) will have packed up all of the things they plan to take cross-country.
-Most of Sammey’s things, clothes, and otherwise, in boxes, on a truck, and sent ahead of her.
-Sammey will be then spending the summer with her Dad, and myself, up until Late August, where she will be flying to her new home.

Unless an emergancy arises, the plan will go through.

-Mr. Hainline himself, offered to house me, until I was able to secure a job, apartment, car, etc. “Get settled”
-Brilliant air-travel deals show a one-way flight as low as $125, if I order them soon

Do I really want to move?

- Yes I do, I’ve wanted to get out of the house, but finances have always stood in the way, in one way or another. I don’t wanna spend that much when home is free… I’m not making that much, because I haven’t put in the hours I need to… This gives me motivation and a critical sense of need.

-Opportunity to move
-Opportunity to stay with Sammey
-New fresh experiences and environment
-New networking opportunities

The way I’ve best operated, has always been from clean slates. I take time, to empty my mind, to empty my schedule, and quite nearly meditate. I resort my priorities, and pursue things with renewed vigor.

Home life has lead me to become lethargic, our home is no longer a sanctuary, and according to my odometer, I spend little-to-no time there. Sleep seems to be the extent of my stay. I seldom even eat at home anymore. If I do, I snack on the provisions of the pantry, a mixture of nuts, peanut butter, crackers, chips, water, milk, soda, and leftovers.

However, because of the amount I spend at Sam’s home in E. Lansing, I get little homework, work-work done either. At Sam’s, means with Sam. No arguement there. It takes equal amount of effort to get a project done, at either location. Alot of “meditation” focus time, concreting goals, setting “achievements”, and following through. Each step wears on me like another mile in a marathon.

However, once we’re under the same roof, one might come to the conclusion, that we likely won’t be together, as much, as when I come to visit. Priorities can be mananged, and life can cruise right along. Saddly, this is hypothetical. Dunno how we’re going to react, or how long we’ll take to react.

One major concern is work, if I can’t find work, how am I supposed to move out? California is one suffering economy, people are moving out of california, in order to find work, and it’s a scary consideration that I might be going to a place, and flounder to find a job.

I might flounder to get a car, hold an apartment… so many other firsts, that I haven’t experienced here at home.

More to come.

–Michael

Statements are magical things, because they can be simplified, analysed, and summarized. Life and it’s choices become an equation, and you can take things as calculated risks. Emotion clouds logic, passion blinds logic, that’s not to say they can’t be included in the thinking, or the equation, because they have to be. They should not be main operators in the decision making.

Okay, so this might be a bit overboard because I’m taking a Logic and Critical Thinking class at LCC. One of my favorite classes thus far. We’re working with inferences, which are 8 simple rules, to organize statements. Reorganize statements… and if I can apply this concept to my math lessons, I should be in good shape for current and future algebra instruction. Locking it away, despite my hesitations toward it.

–Michael

At the same time, I’m also telling how I’ve been, and explaining it a little bit, about it– drawing the words and observations of self into the daylight, and letting the cook in the sunlight. Things I know to be true, and admit to.

My current state is:
- Ashamed therefore hiding
- Hiding from God

The above was written and saved as a draft, Apr 2009.

It is those times of self reflect that I highly value, and now see as instrumental into my organization, and self-sanity. I’m going crazy, because I’ve been going-going-going, doing-doing-doing… remembering to mark some things, and completely forgetting others. Yesterday I met with an MSU Engineering advisor, and his words boiled down to: “Math-math-math”, I need to be proficient upto Calculus III (MATH 234). He tells me that I’ve got about two years to go, before I can enroll at MSU. my heart drops.

Today, I go into Math Lab… review my practice test question-and-answers… go up front to take my Post Test, to find that I’ve missed the administrative deadline by 3 days. So I’ve been dropped. My one math class for the semester, and it’s been dropped. I’m crushed… perhaps in recovery, I can bloom, or even flourish, but I have my doubts.

My enthusiasm has been stifled, I now fight a battle against secluding myself in a cocoon of anxiety, behind a wall of games. I have a paper past-due, and assignments keep coming. Life is demanding, and I feel inadequate to slow it’s vicious attack on my sanity.

I feel like I need to purge before I can work on anything, detox… and then dive in. I’m very nearly shaking, like a scared-small child in my soul.

I’ll get better, and I know it, I’m just giving a snapshot of the now.

–Michael

My mood has a bitter taste, I’m frustrated, I’m stressed, my personal plans are frequently foiled. Not much is really asked of me, but in a way– it’s almost too much. I’m tired of dependency and reliance. So sick of being distracted. Where do I go? I can’t possibly hide. They’ll find me.

I’m deliberating on the execution of a dozen different breadcrumbs, of varying levels of information. Pockets of personal information, a game of notpron, for friends and family members to play. Solving the case of a disappearance.

I don’t have enough resources to play it very well. Perhaps I can work with what I have. We shall see. Won’t we?

Above are the words written in May 2009, and I echo them even today.

Running away would be an undertaking, as an artist has standards for their art, I too have a vision as to how I want to recreate the pillars of my life. A new name, social security number, and new drivers license for starters. I would want to move far enough away, to avoid chance encounters with familiar faces, and I would want to be successful enough that I wouldn’t “fail” and have to return home a prodigal son. I’ve played the scenario out in my head:

People would worry, as they do, and then get over it, as they do.

My parents, siblings, and Samantha, would all be worried sick, and heartbroken over my disappearance. They are the reason I do not simply fly.

With College and responsibilities, I am tied down. Without money or solid income, I am frozen in place.

I would want a vehicle, and/or good travel weather, I would have my survival kit, a nice sized notebook, enough pens or pencils to satisfy me, a computer, some cash, and I’d be all set.

The only reason I extend this post this far, is because I’m working through my drafts folder, from the oldest, onto the newest.

The Semester’s has ended for ROTC and LCC, so I’m on Christmas break for the time being, and bone dry broke. I have $25 to my name, and it’s rather humbling. Thankfully, I have a full queue of tasks to work on from Jeremy, as well as two employment opportunities knocking at my door.

I look at even a few months ago, and I think of how different I am now, how many more experiences I’ve lived through, everything I’ve learned. I’m almost shocked, not sure if I’m different altogether, or if it’s just a side of me I’m experiencing.

I’m at a point of being socially overstimulated, walking on a fine edge of a break down, depending on how many people I have to meet and greet. I can’t maintain any sort of grin-and-bear-it mentality. My social endurance seems to be a mood as much as anything else.

Being creative, being spontaneous, being social, ebbs and flows– sometimes It is the epitome of my personality, and at other moments I am the very opposite.

Posting this, just this much, is an accomplishment, because I’ve got at least 6 half-posts sitting in my drafts… that are just waiting for me to say a bit more.

–Michael Robbe

Suffering, In the individual and combined definitions of the words, I am/feel: anguished, isolated, frustrated, unfocused, distracted, embittered, distraught, helpless, drained, lethargic, angry, cruel, envious, upset, annoyed, overwhelmed, lonely, selfish, and suicidal.

If this the first time I have ever felt this way, I might be confused to the origin. However, life has thrown this slew of torments at me before. I wouldn’t be worth my salt as an analyst if I couldn’t deduce where these things came from. Where their source was, and what needs to be done to cure it.

I know full well why, how, I am suffering this way, yet I am unwilling to concede. Stubborn, too stubborn; considering death, an alternative to giving in. I know I’m when I’m lying to myself. The relentless assault I endure for no other reason then I do not want to give in. Lifestyle changes, habit changes, a purging of self. Temptation is a road, and giving into temptation simply paves this road… making it all the easier to return the second time.

I cannot cry, so emotions are held in, as if to exasperate the pressure. I torment myself, instead, creating excuses… and “cleverly devising” my own successes, determining a plot that should not fail. I avoid church, I speak half-truths, I wear a mask, and gnash my teeth… who have I become? Why don’t I want to leave?

I waste my precious time, I start out my day without God, and furthermore avoid him at all costs. I know I am a tool of potential, so I devalue myself. I know my vices, I’ve acknowledged them… yet I do nothing about them. Woe am I, and woeful I persist.

Repentance would release me: Saying “Lord, I’m sorry, forgive me, I commit myself to change– and here’s how”. Pride holds my tongue, rebellion turns my head, deceit closes my eyes.

–Michael Robbe

To be honest, I’ve never done any sort of story writing, just my little introspective blog peices, here and there. Hopefully I’ll be able to create characters with such vibrant depth, that they connect with people. I’ve found that to be the most crucial component of any book: relational/desirable characters. The plot through which they move seems to be secondary to the strength of the people.

I realize I haven’t posted in a while, and find I really ought to: to help me do some outloud thinking, not for your benefit, so much as mine. Writing, and my coffee colloquys, are as much about self-reflection, as it is about understanding someone else. Questions raised, are echoed back and expose unquestion regions of the soul.

Bringing things to light, quenches so many struggles.