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Credit for this update goes to Whitney S. — her request is what’s keeping me awake tonight, hashing something out, and update for those that would like to know what’s going on both around me, and in my head.

I’ve been meaning to write about my first month here, and the relief that it’s brought, but woe, it’s already a month away.

Things have been on the up-and-up, Christmas here was quiet, but nice. I don’t fully know what internal mechanisms keep my heart at an arms length, but I’ve become noticeably more scrooge-like in the past few years. I read somewhere: “Gifts are never free, because the receiver is then bound to the giver. Social obligation states it is rude to refuse a gift, and it is even ruder still to not reciprocate with a gift in return.” The chains of social responsibility with gift giving, wears me down. I’m a lousy gift-giver, I troll the stores for hours, and in the heat of the shopping season, my mind blanks any decent gift ideas. My ability to follow-through with craft-requirement gifts, have never gotten past the “supply-buying-stage”, I’m really not very good at it, nor do I appreciate a season of obligations. People who feel “dragged” to share Christmas with a family they’re uncomfortable around, and feel unable to connect with. I’m stereotyping, because I know it isn’t every family… I’ve had my fair share of simply magical Christmas-moments, but surely most people have one side of their family they rather dread attending, for one reason or another.

Holidays and weekends, I have difficulty understanding either. Maybe it’s just my cynicism that had difficulty seeing past the over-commercialized, market-think-tank’d, crowning capitalistic, calendar events. Any Holiday, in a global perspective, is just another day. Every weekend, is just another pair of days, just like any other. Perhaps it’s just my employment, being able to schedule my own hours, and work as little as I please… that’s caused this overly fluid view of any given week. Whether it’s Tuesday or Saturday, it doesn’t affect my pace or performance.

Life on the mountain has been serene, transitioning from a busy household of ten, to a quiet household of three or four… it’s giving my head some breathing room. Every day isn’t a panic, I’ve been given the pleasure of doing sudoku puzzles, while watching movies with Sam. An exercise that I can feel strengthening my “logic” faculties for the strenuous mental task of programming. I’m currently working on a web development project, earning $30-35/hr weaving a tapestry of functions, variables, and arrays; layered by conditional, looping, and user-input statements. Anticipating what a user my need to do, and assembling functions to meet the needs of my project. It’s been through the PHP, scripting language, used exclusively for web applications. The curious thing is, Jeremy has been aiming to train me in PHP for the past 4 years, On and off, give or take. I would only be able to work for little bits at a time before I couldn’t focus on script any more, the logic became too complex, and my brain buckled. I couldn’t do anything but monotonous work. I’ve been able to sit and code for hours in a sitting now.

I knew I had to move out, but I was trapped. Trapped by projected responsibilities, and guilt of abandoning a vital family role. I was broke, I couldn’t find additional work, and didn’t know if the freedom getting my own place would outweigh the costs of living. I didn’t know if my procrastination habits would burn me to the ground, if I could find additional work, if I could pay the bills… and was terrified to try.

I wanted to visit Sam for Christmas, but the round trip ticket was alot for me to part with. The cheapest, shortest ticket arrangement I could find, was three weeks in December… and this was scheduling it toward the end of October. Things started to piece together though, there was a Job fair, first weekend in November, there was a neighbor who had a project for me to possibly do (the project mentioned above) … which could become a full-time job, as well as Mrs. Hainline and Sam were moving to a different house, and needed help carrying a bajillion boxes all around. Living arrangements and networking of all sorts, championed by Mrs. Hainline, a former professional marketing director, she knows a thing or two about connections and promotion. A valuable resource, to be sure.

Personal finances has been stressful, and I’ve whittled down my small supply, while getting hired seems to takes forever. Scrap projects here and there for DynamiteInc has floated a bit of extra cash, but I still owe a few folks back in Michigan, I need a car, and to save up so I can move down the mountain and get the rest of my schooling figured out.

All in due time, I suppose. I’m learning alot, on my own… lets not forget, these are just the mental struggles I’ve battled. Emotional ups-and-downs are an entirely different plane.

–Michael

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